


No one deserves to disappear

by Hollow_Void



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Larry is a dick, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tree Bros, slow burn?, they will be found
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 00:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14659032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hollow_Void/pseuds/Hollow_Void
Summary: Evan looked down at his letter. This would be the last one after tonight.A little further out of the orchard sat Connor Murphy. Pill bottle in hand and an empty mind.Both teens decided to end it on the same night in the same abandoned orchard. Both don't die and begin to build a friendship.But, not everything can be fixed in a night.





	No one deserves to disappear

**Author's Note:**

> Decided it was time to write some angst. Hope you enjoy it.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why. Because today, you won’t hurt any more. It will end. No anxiety. No worries. But that's okay. You aren't really leaving anyone behind. Jared was just pretending to be a friend. You don't like Zoe that any more, so that doesn't change anything. You're dad won’t know a life with you in it so that won’t matter. Your mum would be better off without you. She wouldn’t have to worry any more. And that's enough._

_For the last time,_

_Sincerely, me. Your best and only friend._

 

Evan looked down at his letter. This would be the last one after tonight. Alone, in the abandoned orchard surrounded by the only thing that didn’t judge him for stuttering. Or being scared at every little thing. For being expendable. Invisible. So there he was, sitting at the bottom of a tree that would be his legacy. No one would know he was here. No one would know his last words that he would mutter before letting the cool summer air engulf him.

 

Smiling, he placed the letter in his bag and started climbing the 40ft oak tree. There was no hesitation as he climbed higher, no stutter as he talked to himself as he rose. Breaking the canopy, he was met with the sunset, mixing colours that painted the sky the way Evan wanted to see. The last thing he would see would be the thing that gave him peace. And that would be okay. Below him the grass seemed to dance a welcoming to him, beckoning him towards the emerald strands.

For a minute he just looked up at the sky once again, watching the colours blend into the horizon. As he looked though he was reminded of how his mind was never this calm, how it was a turmoil of anxiety and negativity. It would never be a good day really because that's how life works. Evan held on tighter to the branch and starting shouting into the wind. No one would hear him so it didn’t matter.

 

A little further out of the orchard sat Connor Murphy. Pill bottle in hand and an empty mind. No one would notice if he died. Not really. His parents wouldn't have to worry about their stoner son. Zoe wouldn't need to scream at her useless brother or flinch if he got too close. He was never really at school so no one really knew him more than the boy who never turned up.

 

This wasn't really a creative way to go, but that just added to the disappointment he placed upon himself. He shook the bottle before undoing the lid and swallowing every little white pill. However, as the pills touched the back of his throat, he heard shouting. Loud wails of wanting to be noticed, accepted. Shrugging Connor walked towards the voice, wondering why someone else would be in this orchard. He wondered upon an opening where the trees didn't touch and the sun illuminated the grass. The shouting was louder, here and a lot higher up than Connor originally thought. As he looked up he recognised the signature blue, stripped polo shirt of the other social outcast Evan Hansen.

 

From where Connor was on the ground, his pleas were more muffled but this intention was clear. The sandy haired boy Stood up on the branch completely oblivious to the taller boy. He laughed quietly, the thought of the thing he loved most helping him to disappear.

 

Connor’s eyesight was getting blurry, obviously the pills were slowly taking over his body. He collapsed to the ground and held his stomach, wavering in and out of consciousness. He carried on listening to the boy’s rants before everything went silent. A breathless laugh erupted from Evan before he jumped. Being surrounded by the air was relaxing, almost pleasant. He closed his eyes and waited for the ground to catch him.

 

A sickening crack erupted as Evan hit the ground. Connor quickly dragged himself to the other’s side and quickly dialled an ambulance. However, luck didn't seem to be on his side as speaking became increasingly difficult. The few words he was able to get out were “Apple orchard, suicide, fell,” before he too collapsed onto the floor next to Evan, clutching onto the sleeve of the smaller boy, almost scared that if he let go the boy would follow him into the other side.

 

As consciousness slipped from Connor his mind went to the fact he might have saved Evan. So with a smile he accepted the darkness, hanging onto the thought that he had finally done something good in his life.

 

Evan feels pain surge through his body as he opens his eyes. He was at the bottom of the old oak tree. He couldn't move from the ground and the darkness was grasping at him once more. Maybe this was dying, maybe he had to work for it. Sirens blared not too far away from where he was but that is not what caught his attention. Next to him was the body of Connor, blacked out and shallowly breathing. He was dying too. Energy was fading so Evan used the last of it to old Connor's hand, the one that clutched his shirt. They didn't know each other well but at least they can go together.

 

He slipped away again at the sound of sirens echoing through the orchard.

 

The ambulance arrived at the orchard and the paramedics quickly rushed into he overgrown trees. They were met with silence. They hurried around looking for any sign of the caller. It sounded like a boy and their raspy voice indicated they didn't have long left. One of them found a pill bottle, empty and footsteps that lead through a bush. There, on the ground under the grand oak tree was two figures. Shock vibrated through both paramedics. The scene in front of them was one no one should ever have to see.

 

Two boys, one lying motionless with shallow breathes and another twitching slightly next to him. The sandy haired boy had his hand clasped firmly in the taller’s. They must have known each other, pretty close by the way they interacted and how the brown haired boy seemed to have brought himself over towards the unconscious boy. There was blood, a scary amount. By Connor's mouth and nose as he seizured and by Evan's arm and head. The scene was heartbreaking. Two children lying, dying, on grass that illuminated their bodies in such a way it seemed almost fake.

 

There was a rucksack at the trunk of the tree and one of the paramedics bought it with them as they got the two teens into the ambulance. They also picked up the pill bottle to show doctors when they arrived. Both of the teen’s heartbeats were shallow, barely there. More so for Connor. He was fading. So close to disappearing. But he didn't. His heartbeat regulated and both families were allowed into the room with them. As both boys seemed to be close and the atmosphere of what had happened, to keep them calmer nurses kept them together. Doctors explained to them how the boys were found but Evan’s story was more unclear as he seemed to have just fallen out of a tree.

 

Conor wakes to a white hospital room with blaring lights and concerned faces. He looks around blocking out the cries of his mother and Larry’s shouting in favour of looking over at the small sand colour haired boy lying in the bed next to him. He seems to be awake but staring aimlessly at his cast with a sad expression. Connor’s heart wretched at the sight as he knew exactly what was going through Evan’s head. He felt failure. That he couldn’t even die right.

 

Heidi’s voice broke Evan out of his haze, “Honey, what happened? The doctors said you fell.”

 

Evan’s eyes filled with fear before they were replaced with hesitance and anxiety. “Erm. Well, I-I went to th-the orchard to s-surround myself with t-trees and calm down. And, and I wanted to c-climb a tree, but, I-I slipped and fell. I was high up so-so when I hit the ground I-I blacked out.”

 

Heidi nodded before excusing herself as she was on call and had to go back to work. Evan simply nodded before blankly staring at his cast again. Connor guessed that saying he fell from a tree would be more believable than if the brunette had tried to play his overdose off as an accident.

 

Larry’s yelling broke Connor out of his gaze and he bought his attention back to the older man. He was ranting about how Connor was “Selfish and just doing it to get attention.”

 

Trying to change the subject, Cynthia turned to Evan and smiled softly. “Hello, I’m Connor’s mother, Cynthia, may I ask how you know each other?”

 

“W-well I-I, w-well urm...” Evan’s stuttering got worse and he was picking at his cast as a way to ground himself. Connor was slowly noting all of Evan’s quirks and filing them away for later.

 

To divert the attention away from the sandy haired boy, Connor told his parents about how they started hanging out together because they were both social outcasts and how they messaged on a secret email because they were worried people would judge. He also made sure to mention that it was a coincidence that they were both in the orchard that night. Evan also chipped in and explained how Connor had called the ambulance before passing out.

 

Everyone seemed to believe in the story that the boy gave and Evan seemed to calm down at the idea. Once again he zoned out at the sight of his cast. His eyes were sullen and his face seemed to fall as he picked at the white material.

 

Larry didn’t seem to notice anything different in the way Evan was acting, hell, he was ignoring the boy completely. He continued to shout at Connor, telling him about how much of a disappointment he is. Zoe joined in saying how he is always messing everything up. Cynthia stayed quiet and so did Connor. He looked over to Evan and instantly felt so bad.

 

He was shaking so much. The boy’s breathing was erratic but he couldn’t form any words. As if like instinct he started to scream for his family to leave.

 

“Get the fuck out! You’re scaring Evan with out family problems! Go.” Connor was shaking with adrenaline and the need to protect the boy next to him.

 

His family left, whispering to each other about the way their son talks to them. Connor didn’t care though. He reached out and grabbed the side of Evan’s bed to bring it closer to him as the wires and tubes restricted his movements. As soon as the bed was next to him the nurses came into the room to see if Evan was alright. But, when they tried to get close to the blonde, he flinched away and started crying harder. Connor’s heart broke in two. So he did what he could do best, he ordered them to back off. Once they were a comfortable distance away he started whispering into Evan’s ear.

 

“Hey, Evan I need you to calm down for me okay. Can you follow my breathes. In for 4. Good okay hold for 7. You are doing great. Now breath out for 8. You are doing so well can you do it again?” they carried on that for a while but it didn’t seem to be working that well. The nurses tried to intervene but Evan folded away from their grasp.

 

Connor did the only thing he could really do. He asked Evan if he wanted to crawl into his hap so he could have a hug. He gasped with disbelief with the rest of the nurses as his arms were suddenly filled with a shaking body. He had his head on Connor’s chest and one of his hands was over his heart.

 

“Evan, can you name me 5 things you can see for me?”

 

“Yo-your f-face. My c-cast. The b-bed. Urm wires. A-and the walls.”

 

“You are doing amazing Evan. Okay now 4 things you can touch.”

 

Evan sniffled and chocked on his tears before taking a breath. “Yo-your hair. The b-bed sh-sheets. Your c-cannula. And your heart-heart beat.”

 

Connor blushed and started stroking Evan’s hair. “Good see you are doing great. Can you give me 3 things you can hear.”

 

“T-the nurses. Your he-heart monitor. My h-heart monitor.”

 

“Two things you can smell.”

 

“Hand s-sanitiser a-and,” he blushed and smiled softly, “Your colone.”

 

“One thing you can taste.”

 

“T-tears. My tears.”

 

Evan stayed in his arms like they had done it a thousand times. Connor has had panic attacks before, so he knows to make sure to move slowly as to not scare him. Seeing as the blonde was calming down he decided to just let Evan sleep knowing he isn't alone. Softly, he stroked Evan’s hair and had his arm wrapped around his back. Having Evan then nuzzle into his chest could have killed him right there because at that moment he felt so wanted. Remembering a song Cynthia use to sing him, he sung to the melody he heard in his head. Quietly, the lyrics danced around the room and the nurses took that as the cue to get Evan’s vitals and leave.

 

But, as the nurses opened the door, Connor got a glimpse of Zoe on the other side. She stood there the window of the door was and had her phone set up in a way Connor noticed as her recording. Not waning to disturb the sleeping boy in his arms he just mouthed fuck off before settling don onto the bed more comfortably with Evan curled at his side.

 

He closed his eyes, letting his senses notice the way Evan’s body gave him warmth and comfort. He tried to remembered the last time he had this type of contact with someone else but drew a blank. He felt safe and happy. So with these emotions he let the darkness engulf him and carry him into a dreamless slumber.


End file.
